Thursday, January 12, 2012
I am so tired my eyes are heavy and hurting. I feel like total crap from being sick and the boys are still sick. two weeks of agony right now.
Mason is doing better, still coughing and on breathing treatments, and runny nose. His asthma is going to be a BIG issues this year. I did however send him back to Preschool today. He really needed the break and so did I.
Alex is just plain out still sick...fever and all. I am just hoping it all ends soon at this point.
I have found myself going through ups and downs almost every minute these last week. Maybe because I am so tired, but 1 minute I am totally crying and the next I am almost hysterically laughing. I have prayed for dark just so i can go to bed for a few hours.
Even as I sit here writing tonight Alex is in his bed head banging. This goes on for hours. His head and face have so many marks on it, I get so distraught. During this sick time his head banging has increased by 100% and I fell so lost as to what to do. We have not been able to have therapy either and that makes a BIG difference to. Although no one has yet to be able to get control on his head banging, or to tell me why.
So many new behaviors are coming up in the boys now as they get older and I have yet to get a grip on the old but still happening ones...I need things to slow down a bit so I can think but that is not going to happen. Right now it is all I can do to remember to give the boys their meds at the right times. That sounds bad I know, but if you were as tired as I am, you would completely get that.
I have cancelled my last 2 doctors appointments for myself and my doctors are not at all happy with that so I will really have to work on that part of my life I know. I can't afford to get sick, it could be devastating.
My head is spinning in circle so I will stop writing for tonight because it's not all making sense to me, so I know it's not making sense to you either, sorry.
Oh, 1 more thing though. I best friend Kathy killed herself. She had so much going on that she just couldn't get past I guess, but I MISS her so much and I am so angry at her all at the same time. She was there for me for 20 years and I couldn't be there to help her...I was to LATE, I am angry with myself for that.
I guess I have a lot to work through and until I do, I guess I not really good for anyone, but I miss my friends, I miss talking and laughing. *hug's*
Mason is doing better, still coughing and on breathing treatments, and runny nose. His asthma is going to be a BIG issues this year. I did however send him back to Preschool today. He really needed the break and so did I.
Alex is just plain out still sick...fever and all. I am just hoping it all ends soon at this point.
I have found myself going through ups and downs almost every minute these last week. Maybe because I am so tired, but 1 minute I am totally crying and the next I am almost hysterically laughing. I have prayed for dark just so i can go to bed for a few hours.
Even as I sit here writing tonight Alex is in his bed head banging. This goes on for hours. His head and face have so many marks on it, I get so distraught. During this sick time his head banging has increased by 100% and I fell so lost as to what to do. We have not been able to have therapy either and that makes a BIG difference to. Although no one has yet to be able to get control on his head banging, or to tell me why.
So many new behaviors are coming up in the boys now as they get older and I have yet to get a grip on the old but still happening ones...I need things to slow down a bit so I can think but that is not going to happen. Right now it is all I can do to remember to give the boys their meds at the right times. That sounds bad I know, but if you were as tired as I am, you would completely get that.
I have cancelled my last 2 doctors appointments for myself and my doctors are not at all happy with that so I will really have to work on that part of my life I know. I can't afford to get sick, it could be devastating.
My head is spinning in circle so I will stop writing for tonight because it's not all making sense to me, so I know it's not making sense to you either, sorry.
Oh, 1 more thing though. I best friend Kathy killed herself. She had so much going on that she just couldn't get past I guess, but I MISS her so much and I am so angry at her all at the same time. She was there for me for 20 years and I couldn't be there to help her...I was to LATE, I am angry with myself for that.
I guess I have a lot to work through and until I do, I guess I not really good for anyone, but I miss my friends, I miss talking and laughing. *hug's*
Saturday, January 7, 2012
I have not written in a long time, and tonight I am very tired and discouraged...SO I am going to use this as an outlet ....
As I sit here tonight I am saddened that the boys are sick. Both boys have ear infections, sinus infections,a nd asthma. They are taking meds for all, and nebular treatments every 2 hours. We have been to the doctors 3 days now, and have changed meds twice. We are on day 6 for Mason of being sick and day 5 for Alex. It makes for a LONG week.
1 of the meds the boys are on, Prednizone (spelling ?) makes them whiny and angry. They throw non stop temper tantrums but it's not their faults, they can't help it....the meds do it to them, but I can't make them understand that so they become so confused....It drives me insane after a few days and I have to walk away, close myself in the bathroom and cry. The boys don't understand that either and again I can't explain it.
On to something else...The EX has been calling and calling. He has decided that his new girlfriend is not for him....LOL....What he fail to understand is that she is perfect for me....because he needs to stay right there !!! I am so DONE with all of that. I made my choice to move on in my life and raise these boys and I am going to do just that.
which leads me to something else.....
I legally changed my last name back to my family name. I got the paperwork in the mail last week....Now I have to take on the task of going to DMV and changing my name, then Social Security....after that, just a LOT of phone calls to make...LOL...but I am happy to have my family name back again. I did it for another reason also.....When the adoption is final for the boys and I, we will all have my family name...I can't wait for that to be done...Both parents have now signed their rights over and the consent papers for me to adopt the boys. The lawyer filed the paperwork with the courts last week...SO off we GO :-)
On to something else....
2011 was a really rough year for us there at the end. so much happened (and I am not going to list it all here) We had to walk through a lot of heartache, and fear, the boys and I...There were times I thought it would never end, scary times...Times I had to force myself to get out of bed and get through the day only to be praying for bedtime again. I found myself crying for it to all end and lonely. I had to really step back and make some hard choices in my life, but for the good of the boys and I. I lost a lot of friends, but I gained some New also.
The biggest thing for me out of all of it was I had to learn that I was overly trusting of some others, and that I had to close part of myself off...That was very hard for me because I LOVE to help others and I love people. I gave till I had no more to give, but yet some people out there still wanted more from me, something I just DIDN'T have to give...my self respect, my caring, , my soul !! When I started to feel empty I knew I was losing the battle and I had to walk away and not care what other thought or said....I had to do what IS in the best interest for the boys and I....Still yet someone thought that was wrong of me to do, and they tried to interfere with my choice, they tried to make choices for me....I learned from all of this that I am a STRONG person...I stood up and fought back with everything I had emotionally...and I WON !!
I guess I have really learned that I am STRONG over many battles this last year...I have learned to NEVER give up...I am stumble and even fall down a few times, BUT as long as I am doing the right thing, I WILL WIN !!
SO here we are at 2012, I have overcome, I have WON, I have taken some BIG steps in life, made LOTS of changes and guess what...I AM OKAY, I am enjoying life more today !! Not everyday is a bed of roses but at least I can lay down at night and sleep soundly knowing I have done the right things. That means more to me than anything....I am teaching the boys by doing not just telling them...I have always said that ACTIONS speak louder than WORDS !!
I know there are more changes in life to come for me...some I care very much about and some I don't, some I will stand up and fight and some I just won't. I pick my battles carefully these days, and I live (or try to) each day to it's fullest....If it's a bad day, I try to make it better, if I can't well, I just try to learn from it and move ahead being better prepared for the next time.
Until next time...hug's to you all !!
As I sit here tonight I am saddened that the boys are sick. Both boys have ear infections, sinus infections,a nd asthma. They are taking meds for all, and nebular treatments every 2 hours. We have been to the doctors 3 days now, and have changed meds twice. We are on day 6 for Mason of being sick and day 5 for Alex. It makes for a LONG week.
1 of the meds the boys are on, Prednizone (spelling ?) makes them whiny and angry. They throw non stop temper tantrums but it's not their faults, they can't help it....the meds do it to them, but I can't make them understand that so they become so confused....It drives me insane after a few days and I have to walk away, close myself in the bathroom and cry. The boys don't understand that either and again I can't explain it.
On to something else...The EX has been calling and calling. He has decided that his new girlfriend is not for him....LOL....What he fail to understand is that she is perfect for me....because he needs to stay right there !!! I am so DONE with all of that. I made my choice to move on in my life and raise these boys and I am going to do just that.
which leads me to something else.....
I legally changed my last name back to my family name. I got the paperwork in the mail last week....Now I have to take on the task of going to DMV and changing my name, then Social Security....after that, just a LOT of phone calls to make...LOL...but I am happy to have my family name back again. I did it for another reason also.....When the adoption is final for the boys and I, we will all have my family name...I can't wait for that to be done...Both parents have now signed their rights over and the consent papers for me to adopt the boys. The lawyer filed the paperwork with the courts last week...SO off we GO :-)
On to something else....
2011 was a really rough year for us there at the end. so much happened (and I am not going to list it all here) We had to walk through a lot of heartache, and fear, the boys and I...There were times I thought it would never end, scary times...Times I had to force myself to get out of bed and get through the day only to be praying for bedtime again. I found myself crying for it to all end and lonely. I had to really step back and make some hard choices in my life, but for the good of the boys and I. I lost a lot of friends, but I gained some New also.
The biggest thing for me out of all of it was I had to learn that I was overly trusting of some others, and that I had to close part of myself off...That was very hard for me because I LOVE to help others and I love people. I gave till I had no more to give, but yet some people out there still wanted more from me, something I just DIDN'T have to give...my self respect, my caring, , my soul !! When I started to feel empty I knew I was losing the battle and I had to walk away and not care what other thought or said....I had to do what IS in the best interest for the boys and I....Still yet someone thought that was wrong of me to do, and they tried to interfere with my choice, they tried to make choices for me....I learned from all of this that I am a STRONG person...I stood up and fought back with everything I had emotionally...and I WON !!
I guess I have really learned that I am STRONG over many battles this last year...I have learned to NEVER give up...I am stumble and even fall down a few times, BUT as long as I am doing the right thing, I WILL WIN !!
SO here we are at 2012, I have overcome, I have WON, I have taken some BIG steps in life, made LOTS of changes and guess what...I AM OKAY, I am enjoying life more today !! Not everyday is a bed of roses but at least I can lay down at night and sleep soundly knowing I have done the right things. That means more to me than anything....I am teaching the boys by doing not just telling them...I have always said that ACTIONS speak louder than WORDS !!
I know there are more changes in life to come for me...some I care very much about and some I don't, some I will stand up and fight and some I just won't. I pick my battles carefully these days, and I live (or try to) each day to it's fullest....If it's a bad day, I try to make it better, if I can't well, I just try to learn from it and move ahead being better prepared for the next time.
Until next time...hug's to you all !!
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