I am so tired my eyes are heavy and hurting. I feel like total crap from being sick and the boys are still sick. two weeks of agony right now.

Mason is doing better, still coughing and on breathing treatments, and runny nose. His asthma is going to be a BIG issues this year. I did however send him back to Preschool today. He really needed the break and so did I.

Alex is just plain out still sick...fever and all. I am just hoping it all ends soon at this point.

I have found myself going through ups and downs almost every minute these last week. Maybe because I am so tired, but 1 minute I am totally crying and the next I am almost hysterically laughing. I have prayed for dark just so i can go to bed for a few hours.

Even as I sit here writing tonight Alex is in his bed head banging. This goes on for hours. His head and face have so many marks on it, I get so distraught. During this sick time his head banging has increased by 100% and I fell so lost as to what to do. We have not been able to have therapy either and that makes a BIG difference to. Although no one has yet to be able to get control on his head banging, or to tell me why.

So many new behaviors are coming up in the boys now as they get older and I have yet to get a grip on the old but still happening ones...I need things to slow down a bit so I can think but that is not going to happen. Right now it is all I can do to remember to give the boys their meds at the right times. That sounds bad I know, but if you were as tired as I am, you would completely get that.

I have cancelled my last 2 doctors appointments for myself and my doctors are not at all happy with that so I will really have to work on that part of my life I know. I can't afford to get sick, it could be devastating.

My head is spinning in circle so I will stop writing for tonight because it's not all making sense to me, so I know it's not making sense to you either, sorry.

Oh, 1 more thing though. I best friend Kathy killed herself. She had so much going on that she just couldn't get past I guess, but I MISS her so much and I am so angry at her all at the same time. She was there for me for 20 years and I couldn't be there to help her...I was to LATE, I am angry with myself for that.

I guess I have a lot to work through and until I do, I guess I not really good for anyone, but I miss my friends, I miss talking and laughing. *hug's*

I have not written in a long time, and tonight I am very tired and discouraged...SO I am going to use this as an outlet ....

As I sit here tonight I am saddened that the boys are sick. Both boys have ear infections, sinus infections,a nd asthma. They are taking meds for all, and nebular treatments every 2 hours. We have been to the doctors 3 days now, and have changed meds twice. We are on day 6 for Mason of being sick and day 5 for Alex. It makes for a LONG week.

1 of the meds the boys are on, Prednizone  (spelling ?) makes them whiny and angry. They throw non stop temper tantrums but it's not their faults, they can't help it....the meds do it to them, but I can't make them understand that so they become so confused....It drives me insane after a few days and I have to walk away, close myself in the bathroom and cry. The boys don't understand that either and again I can't explain it.

On to something else...The EX has been calling and calling. He has decided that his new girlfriend is not for him....LOL....What he fail to understand is that she is perfect for me....because he needs to stay right there !!! I am so DONE with all of that. I made my choice to move on in my life and raise these boys and I am going to do just that.

which leads me to something else.....

I legally changed my last name back to my family name. I got the paperwork in the mail last week....Now I have to take on the task of going to DMV and changing my name, then Social Security....after that, just a LOT of phone calls to make...LOL...but I am happy to have my family name back again. I did it for another reason also.....When the adoption is final for the boys and I, we will all have my family name...I can't wait for that to be done...Both parents have now signed their rights over and the consent papers for me to adopt the boys. The lawyer filed the paperwork with the courts last week...SO off we GO :-)

On to something else....

2011 was a really rough year for us there at the end. so much happened (and I am not going to list it all here) We had to walk through a lot of heartache, and fear, the boys and I...There were times I thought it would never end, scary times...Times I had to force myself to get out of bed and get through the day only to be praying for bedtime again. I found myself crying for it to all end and lonely. I had to really step back and make some hard choices in my life, but for the good of the boys and I. I lost a lot of friends, but I gained some New also.

The biggest thing for me out of all of it was I had to learn that I was overly trusting of some others, and that I had to close part of myself off...That was very hard for me because I LOVE to help others and I love people. I gave till I had no more to give, but yet some people out there still wanted more from me, something I just DIDN'T have to give...my self respect, my caring, , my soul !! When I started to feel empty I knew I was losing the battle and I had to walk away and not care what other thought or said....I had to do what IS in the best interest for the boys and I....Still yet someone thought that was wrong of me to do, and they tried to interfere with my choice, they tried to make choices for me....I learned from all of this that I am a STRONG person...I stood up and fought back with everything I had emotionally...and I WON !!

I guess I have really learned that I am STRONG over many battles this last year...I have learned to NEVER give up...I am stumble and even fall down a few times, BUT as long as I am doing the right thing, I WILL WIN !!

SO here we are at 2012, I have overcome, I have WON, I have taken some BIG steps in life, made LOTS of changes and guess what...I AM OKAY, I am enjoying life more today !! Not everyday is a bed of roses but at least I can lay down at night and sleep soundly knowing I have done the right things. That means more to me than anything....I am teaching the boys by doing not just telling them...I have always said that ACTIONS speak louder than WORDS !!

I know there are more changes in life to come for me...some I care very much about and some I don't, some I will stand up and fight and some I just won't. I pick my battles carefully these days, and I live (or try to) each day to it's fullest....If it's a bad day, I try to make it better, if I can't well, I just try to learn from it and move ahead being better prepared for the next time.

Until next time...hug's to you all !!

I am not sure where to start today. The boys have been sick of a week now. Mason started running high fevers last Tuesday and then broke out on a rash from head to toe. Alex is now running high fever and starting with the rash :-(.

I am not going to write much tonight as I am so sleep deprived that I can't think real straight.

I called my family today just crying because I was losing my sanity quickly. they came over in turns to try to help out. Thank Goodness for that.

When the boys get sick it is SO hard...because of the special needs issues and sensory issues, they can't stand to be touched when sick. To them, my touch becomes painful. So i can't hug and love on them, I can't hold them, I can't make it better with touch....they just roll around in the floor whining and screaming, looking at me to make it better and I can't. They can't understand that I can't make it better, they can't understand why it hurts.....

I feel so heartbroken when the boys get sick,and I pray that it all ends quickly because I can't stand their pain with them. I then quickly become angry,because of what was done to these boys in the past, before they ever even made it to this world. Yes, I blame my daughter and the father, and rightly so....I just keep praying as hard as I can,that someday, somehow, with lots of hard work and effort,that these boys can overcome just a little thing as being sick !!!

They have the world yet to tackle...1 step at a time there Gramie.

night folks

Well, I haven't blogged in a while now. Things have just gotten so crazy busy around here lately. So this will just be kinda an update tonight.

In the last month, I have learned i can stand on my own two feet, hold my head up high and smile. We have had some very emotional days, but we are learning to live one day at a time !! My hubby walked out on us 1 month ago. Now I'm not going to lie, it's been hard on me, and I have worked very hard to protect the boys from dealing with it.

For a few weeks after, i wanted him back no matter what because i was scared, and felt so alone. It was something I was not use to, and I didn't want it at all. But God has his ways of showing us that we have to endure the bad to get to what is the Best on the other side. I can see that now....Lots of Family and Friends stepped up right away to help us walk through this break up, and I can never Thank them enough. There were times that I just wanted to crawl in bed and not get back out, times that I just felt as if I just didn't care anymore. Every time I felt that way, my phone would ring, or someone would knock on my door and pick me back up, hold my hand and lead me back to sanity.

As I sit here now typing this, I know that I am ok. So many things have fallen into place and worked out perfect for the boys and I in the last month. So I mean it when I say, I have truly learned that I can be me, smile, and be proud of who I have become !!

The Holiday are tough, now that's no lie either....but I am trying to take the bad, sad anyway and make better, best memories to hold on to. There's not a lot of money these days, so I have decided that the boys and I are going to 'make' our Christmas. We are making each other gifts we can share for a life time. I also believe that the boys will really learn the meaning of Christmas that way, Something we can do each year to come. Hand made gifts from the heart !!

life is showing me new directions and i am ok with taking those steps today, and the boys will become better, strong young men as we advance down this new wonderful path. i don't know what is waiting on the other end each day, but I am going to take my time, savior each moment, to get there. Time goes way to fast and in the blink of an eye, it's another year and I don't want to miss any of it. I have a very special gift in our home....Life, with two of the best little boys...Love, Peace, and Joy !! My heart is learning a new tune, and I am now ready to Hear it.

hug'ssssss everyone <3

I am going to try to write a little more tonight. We will see how far I can get emotionally.

The court awarded me temp. custody of the children and then set a date for us all, my daughter the father and us, to appear for a full hearing. The weeks until we came to the court date where full of angry words, lots of tears, and mass confusion. We were all on edge, walking a fine line hoping not to fall off.

See, there are NO grandparent laws where we live, so our attorney told us right off the bat, that it was going to be hard to KEEP custody of the boys, and we had to prove BOTH parents (mother and father) unfit to care for these boys.

We had to first prove just who Alex's father was. I will never forget that first court date we had, when the judge asked who Alex's father was, the answer was (by the boys father) It could be me, it could be the boyfriend, it could be the truck driver down the street..I was floored, in tears, and so shocked !! So was the judge and everyone in the courtroom. So the judge ordered a paternity test, left the boys in my custody and set a new court date.

Before the judge set a new court date, the boys parents were trying to make it so that the fathers parents took custody instead of me. The judge asked me why that should not happen. Let me tell you, I had no idea what   was going to come out of my mouth until I opened it. With the other set of grandparents sitting behind me in the court room, and me standing there by myself (we choose not to have our attorney present at this time so we could save and use all the money we had when we REALLY needed it, and she told us we would be fine that date) I said a little prayer and started talking. Well, by the time I was done, I had no idea what I had even said (I was so nervous) but I had put enough doubt in the judge's mind that he told them all not to come back.

My daughter and her possie (I call them, friends that came with her to court) started cussing and yelling, they were lucky not to go to jail that day. We asked the judge not to put them in jail because I couldn't handle anymore, and because we really needed all the so called, show and tell we could get at this point, and let's face it folks, what better way of show and tell than to just sit back and let them show all themselves, right ?

I had to make a choice here because I was going against my own child to save her children. I had to close down my feelings. That is not an easy thing to do as a Mother, but it was easier to do because I know right from wrong any day. I have always told my children that if they are right, or really believe that they are right (right maybe not being the right word) but believe in something 100%, giving it their best, fighting (standing up for right) I would ALWAYS stand with them...BUT...If they were wrong, or doing wrong, I would NOT stand with them. What my daughter was doing was WRONG. I stood on the side of the boys. They had no other voice, I had to be their voice !!

While all this was going on we started to notice some very 'odd' things with Alex. His body was always stiff, he was not feeding well, his feet, hands and face would turn whiter than white at times, he did not want to sleep, he did not want to be held or cuddled, he could not stand to be dressed, he cried all the time. SO we were in and out of the hospitals, doctors offices, and trying to handle getting ready for court, and Mason was having 'fear' issues, he was 'withdrawing' at times.

I was SO confused during these months of my life, but I was NOT in fear. I can not explain the feeling I had for these months. I just did what I had to do, said a prayer everyday and knew that my prayers were going to be answered. I was not sure it was going to be the way I wanted it, but I knew the boys were going to be SAFE. Remember a few post back when I said I whispered in Mason ear, that I had to let him go right then but that I was sending special angels to be with him until I could do something to help him? Well, from that day forward, there was this peace I ALWAYS had, even if it was just a little bit of peace in all the confusion, and tears, I still felt that piece of peace.

I will stop here tonight. I have to get the details in order from this point on. As I said this was a very fast moving, lot going on, confusion time in my life, and I want to tell the story in order by the happenings.

Hug's

I know I said I would write more tonight...BUT...I'm sorry, I just can't..

I am exhausted and really need some sleep...

We could not "do" for lack of a better word, a custody battle from 1 state to another. We could not afford it for one, and the laws varied so much. So what we did was offer my daughter a way home, in hopes that she would find it better to be closer to family and help.

In the time that it took to get this accomplished, my daughter and the boys father had separated. It made things for us a little better. (we thought anyway). A house was purchased and fixed up for her to come home to with Mason. She was pregnant with Alex at the time. She came home, but she surprises us all by coming home with a new boyfriend and his young child..Oh geesh.

We did not buck the situation and let them all move in. The deal was the new boyfriend had to get a job, and help pay the bills..Well, let me tell you, That did not work out at all, for months there was one excuse after another, but NO JOB.

As the months went by we started to notice things that were just not right. The boyfriends child made no noises,he asked for nothing, and was OVERLY shy. He winched when ever his dad walked into the room, and he slept all the time. SO with this new issue starting to show, we started to just stop by the house without notice, and we started to invite them to our house for dinner or whatever. When they would come to our home, the child was not allowed out of his car seat. I mean...dad would bring him in still buckled in the car seat, and that is where this child stayed. We asked that he let the child out to play or eat, and we were told that it was his child and that he would remain right where he was. This child was 3 years old, so we would sit on the floor in front of the child and play with him, and eat with him. It was heartbreaking to say the least.

When we would just drop by their house, we found a lot of things as time went on, but a big thing was that Mason was always stuck back in a 'playroom' or in his bed. Mason and the boyfriends child never played together, they were always separated. Then we started to notice 'fear' behaviors coming out in Mason. I was losing my mind. There started to be quite a few 'friends' of theirs that started to 'always' be at the house, it turned into lots of overnight friends, and then friends that never left. Remember, we were footing all the bills here, still no job by the boyfriend.

There was a lot of partying going on, and I did not like it. We kept Mason with us as much as possible at this point,which wasn't hard to do because my daughter was getting to the end of her pregnancy with Alex, and the boyfriend just wanted to sleep all the time. At least during the daytime hours anyway. SO we know how these months went right ?!?!?! moving on then.:-)

It came to Alex's birth day. The boyfriend told my daughter that as soon as his mother came  (from anther state) and picked up the boyfriends child, he would be to the hospital. Well, he never showed up. Alex was born, and my daughter was crying. One of my family members went back to the house to see where the boyfriend was to find a letter that he had written and let on the kitchen table. It went something like this (the short) He did not want to be living in 'our' house anymore because he said we were trying to 'control ' him. He said that Mason was a 'mean' and 'hateful' child that he could not handle, and some other really no important things. He left with his mother like a thief in the night. Personally, we were happy about it.

Things did not go well with my daughter in the hospital after that. The nurses called security on her and would not let her see Alex because she was screaming and cussing at the top of her lungs and would not calm down. The nurses called us at home and asked us to PLEASE come try to calm her. Well, I had had enough of the crap, and I told the nurse to whatever she had to, we weren't coming. I was embarrassed by my daughters actions and mouth really. So they put her right out of the hospital, and told her she could come back when she was calm and get her son. At this point, I wasn't sure what was going to happen.

I should now add in here that Alex was never meant to be a child that my daughter kept and raised. Let me tell you why. (I have a really hard time with this part) When my daughter and the boys father moved to another state, they lived with his parents. The father step mother wanted another baby (child) because her son had disabilities (this is really what this woman said) and she wanted a 'normal' child. This woman and my daughter decided that she could have Alex. What the Hell...

My daughter brought Alex home from the hospital and my family and I took turns staying with her because she just could not get it together. She wanted this boyfriend back in her life. So after about a week of Alex being home she asked us to take care of him and she left to go fetch her boyfriend. She was gone for days. The boyfriend refused to come back so she was going to come back to the house, pack what she could, take the children and go. I was scared to death !! I talked her into leaving the boys with us until she and this guy could get settled somewhere. I didn't know what else to do. She agreed. I was good for that moment again.

In the meantime, between her traveling on the road and us talking on the phone, I contacted our attorney. I was not going to let go this time !! We had to do a few things...We had to Evict her from the home by the courts (we did) we had to keep the boys in the state for 3 more weeks to make it 6 months (we were good so far) and we had to get my daughter to write and sign a notarized paper saying that she was giving me the right to make all medical dissensions for the boys in her absents. (Oh boy, could we mange this one) Well, we did, but only because I looked my daughter straight in the face and lied to her saying I would pack the boys up to leave as soon as she told me too. I must had in here, I was not sorry that I said that to her either. I had to do what I had to do at this point for these boys !!

Two weeks later, I went to the courts and asked for emergency custody, and it was awarded to me. One step at a time now.

I found out that my daughter and this boyfriend where living in a tent, yes, I said a tent...in the middle of January, with his child. The boyfriends parents said they could not live in the parents home, they did not approve. I have never to this day met the boyfriends parents, but I like them.

As a mother it is very hard for me to write this part of the story also, this is my daughter and I KNOW she was raised better than this...She was doing drugs, lots of them, lots of partying...All I can do is shake my head because we offered help for her, but she walked away from it all. A home, a car, her children, her family, she walked away from it ALL. Mind you she never paid a bill in the house for the time she lived there either. My family footed it all.

I am going to end here again tonight. I get very emotional, much more than I thought I would, in writing this blog. I guess I am finding that I thought I had gotten over some of the things that happened, the anger, and heartbreak, but I really haven't.